Jennifner.com

Argh! Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

But that’s not even the best part! While I was looking for background on how exactly this blessed holiday began, I stumbled across something even more enjoyable: The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Yes, you did read that right.) Written as a clever retort for schools being forced to teach intelligent design in science classes, my main attraction to this religion is the witticisms of its creator. Those who belong to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, known as Pastafarians, worship the Spaghedeity and also regard pirates as absolute divine beings (see the tie-in to today’s holiday?).

Furthermore, Pastafarians believe that pirates were actually peace-loving explorers who distributed candy to small children. They have also proved direct causality between the decrease in pirates and the increase in global average temperature (see below).

Personally, I think it’s brilliant. Scientific American compares the satire to Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. RAmen and RAmen.

(Full disclosure: So I’m a BYU alum and have technically never played a drinking game. Nor do I seriously condone them. But did you see BYU vs. Tulsa game tonight?!! Drinking away the shame seems like a perfectly reasonable response.)

So, without any further ado, I present to you the BYU Football Drinking Game. If you’re a BYU student, you can try using milk. Doubtless it’ll prove harder than the gallon challenge, and it’ll give you another explanation for that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.

1 Shot:

• When a ref comes onto the field and says, “False start. Number 74 on the offense. Five yard penalty. Repeat [??] down.”
• BYU’s offense going three-and-out.
• Crappy punts. (Seriously, what is his deal?)

2 Shots:

• Anything along the lines of: “After review, the ruling on the field stands.”
• BYU’s quarterback getting sacked for a loss of yards.
• Missed PATs.

3 Shots:

• Any time a ref throws a flag and says: “Personal Foul. Number [??] on the offense. Fifteen yard penalty. Repeat [??] down.”
• Any time a receiver lets a perfectly catchable ball bounce of his hands. (Add an extra shot if that ball bounces off his hands and is caught by a player on the opposing team.)
• Most fumbles or interceptions (see exceptions below).

Drain the bottle:

• BYU’s QB throws an interception…inside the opponent’s twenty yard line.
• BYU’s quarterback fumbles the football…inside the opponent’s twenty yard line.
• Momentum-draining, game-sacrificing penalties in the fourth quarter.

The genocide in Darfur. The Crandall Canyon mine disaster. Read the news for three minutes, and it’s hard not to become overwhelmed by the human suffering. Especially when you realize that so many millions of lives are so intimately and infinitely effected by the things that so many of us know only superficially—AIDS and malaria, hunger and water crises, genocide and war…this nightmarish list could go on and on. So many things are so heartbreakingly wrong for so many people.

With all of this happening, where do you devote your time and attention? Do you support efforts to aid the civilians in war-torn Iraq or efforts to support the war-wounded U.S. soldiers and their families? AIDS efforts in Africa or AIDS efforts in the States? Cancer research or cancer patients? Seriously, I could donate my entire net worth to a charity, and it wouldn’t even make a ripple in the overall scheme of things. (Granted, as a twenty-something recent college graduate, my donation wouldn’t be that much.)

But the principle here…what good is one tiny bucket in the face of a hurricane?

Read more