How quickly I forget…

So Ryan and I (mostly) finished cleaning out our office. As part of that, I had to tackle boxes upon boxes of papers and stuff. And, because I can never focus on cleaning for long periods, I found myself reading over things I’d written right before Ryan and I started dating. I’ve realized that I’m really starting to forget how I felt being single. After six months.

I almost feel like I should apologize. When my married friends couldn’t relate to my stories about dating, I was always somewhat taken aback. Seriously, how could they forget?

But honestly, those feelings and memories have faded so significantly, it takes lots of deep thinking to bring them to the surface. (Which is so strange, considering that this all used to be a constant, everyday sort of thing.)

So the following is more for me, an attempt to remember the highs and lows so that I don’t lose my ability to relate entirely.

Five Downsides a.k.a Things I do not miss not even one little bit

1. Loneliness. For me, the #1 worst part of being single was the urgent loneliness. I spent a good chunk of time aching for outside communication. I’ll admit, I was usually pretty passive in creating social get-togethers. I could do it, but when I did, often spent the entire time not having fun because I was stressing about whether or not everyone was having fun. So oftentimes I’d wait. And wait. And wait for something to happen. This kind of waiting drove me to carry my cell phone around everywhere—even setting it just outside the shower—so I could be aware the moment communication was received. I’d find myself staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning checking Facebook or Gmail to see if maybe someone wrote. And then feeling more and more lonely with each unfulfilled refresh.

I think it’s because of these feelings that I still hate coming home to an empty house.

(Note: This trait didn’t manifest itself when I was living with good friends—those girls could always counteract the lonely.)

2. Being busy for busy’s sake. When I entered an event into my cell phone calendar, the day would light up purple. I lived for purple days. What? The Relief Society is hosting a get-together for people who once listened to the Spice Girls? Sounds great to me! Service activities? Perfect. I even scheduled in TV shows like the Office. Anything to get away from the lonely, empty, non-purple days.

3. Cooking for one. Option A: Spend time alone cooking a healthy meal so I could eat it alone at the table and then have some nice alone time to clean up the mess. Option B. Unwrap a granola bar and enjoy a dozen chocolate mini-eggs. Be done in 5 minutes. Repeat as needed throughout the evening.

I nearly always took Option B. (I’m surprised I didn’t get scurvy.)

4. Dating. The boy whose life goal was to work in a coal mine. The guy who chronicled his adolescent, illegal misdeeds for the entire evening. Boys who expected kisses on the first dates. (They really should have known better.) The guy who insisted he was in love with me even though we’d only been on a single date. The guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer—even though I’d given it to him 29 times.

Worse: Feeling so guilty because I didn’t reciprocate affectionate feelings for a wonderfully nice guy. Awkward first dates. Awkward any dates. Awkward break-ups.

The Worst: Not being able to stop obsessing over why a boy wasn’t interested anymore. Not being able to quiet the voices in my head telling me everything that was wrong with me. Then, after a few days where I was finally starting to be okay with myself—having that boy call up to “chat” and starting the cycle all over again.

5. Coping with the holding pattern. Let’s be honest. I spent way too much time stressing over important, but not life-changing, decisions. I was never one of those girls to really worry about whether or not I would get married. But I had a really hard time making decisions about what to do with my life in between.

The hardest part about having no restraints is that you don’t really have any guidance on where to go. I wasn’t attached to my job or my roommates, I didn’t have any big responsibilities, and I wasn’t in debt. I didn’t have anything keeping me around—except for the tiny fact that I didn’t know what else I wanted to do.

It wasn’t that I didn’t try things. I did. But I just didn’t need to do any of it. I never found anything that just picked me up and spoke to me, giving me purpose and direction.

It was paralyzing. And demoralizing.

Five Upsides a.k.a. Things I wish I’d appreciated more when I was single

1. Cheapness of the single life. When I’d go on vacations with the girls, I could count on paying  for airfare for one, food for one (and I’m a cheap eater), one-third of our hotel costs, one-third of our rental costs, etc. Now everything seems more than twice as expensive. Twice the airfare, twice (or three-times) the meals, full hotel costs, full rental costs.

No splitting. None.

So now, when I see a really great deal on travel, I have to mentally multiply it by two. And that takes all the fun out of it.

2. Dating. As awful as dating could be, there were always the few that held a sense of promise. The promise of fresh personalities, new perspectives, and undiscovered hobbies and passions. The thrill of staying up until dawn talking about anything. The butterflies of the first kiss.

That fresh newness would only stay for a little while. And it was wonderful.

3. Time management. Even though I didn’t always know what to do with my time, it was all mine.  If I didn’t want to eat my “dinner” until 12am, fine. No one cared. If I wanted to turn off my alarm and not shower in the morning, that’s fine too. Do nothing other than read for three days straight? Perfect!

Not so much anymore. There’s always someone else to think about and another person’s schedule, preferences, and feelings to consider.

4. Traditions. Holidays, birthdays, Super Bowls, whatever. I did it the way I’d always done it and never had to miss favorite events. Now holidays are either a rush—trying to hit both houses and do everything—or half-holidays—missing out on the holiday with one family in order to enjoy it with the other. I love my Ryan’s family, and I enjoy their traditions, but it’s just not the same.

5. My way. My favorite way to sleep is on my tummy with my left hand tucked under my pillow and my left knee bent. This position is amazingly comfortable and only takes up half the bed; regardless, every time I try it, I end up bumping elbows with Ryan. All night long. So no sleeping my way.

This trend continues through the day. Many of the things I’ve always done—getting up and ready, cooking, cleaning, spending time with friends, relaxing—I now have to do differently. With another person in the mix, my old way of doing things may no longer be the best way of doing things.

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(For the record, I could write much longer list of things I like about being married. I love being married. But that’s another post altogether. It just didn’t feel right to include a list of the downsides of being single without balancing it with the upsides of being single.)