Leap of Faith

So sometimes I have trouble making decisions. (I know—all three of you who read this website are truly shocked at this statement.) I’m not always bad at it. Sometimes I do quite well. For instance, I decided I wanted to marry Ryan after about 4 months of dating and followed through on this decision 5 months after that.

See? A big, life-changing decision and I did just fine with it. I thought about it, figured out what I wanted, prayed about it, felt great about it, dealt with my nerves, and followed through. Two points for classic decision-making strategies.

So why doesn’t this strategy work with my job? It’s pretty much an ongoing problem—I’ve been hating my job on and off (mostly on) for two years now. I think about it all the time, but I have yet to think of a satisfying resolution. Ideally, I’d hear of an opening at an awesome company, ace the interviews, and dance my way into happy employment. However, this is 2009 and unemployment is hovering around 10%. I have a healthy amount of job security, earn a comfortable salary, and have a fantastic boss who is generally supportive of the things I do. Wouldn’t I be crazy to leave that?

Except for the fact that I cry at work several times a month.

In my family, whether or not you like your job is a moot point—you do what needs to be done to earn a living. Ryan, on the other hand, says he’d prefer me happy and working at Barnes & Noble to me coming home grumpy and teary several times a week. However, working at Barnes & Noble wouldn’t do much to advance my career. (Somehow, being a cashier or story-reader—something a 16-year-old without a college degree could do—doesn’t seem like a good career option.) But then again, since the tentative plan is to start a family in a year or two, do I really need to be focusing on what would be best for my career? Shouldn’t I, instead, be doing what’s best for me?

But at this point, what would be best for me? Right now, my salary is allowing us to pay off our cars, build up our savings, and have a little left over for a modest summer vacation. Will I regret, if I leave, giving up the opportunity to create a more secure financial future? Or will I look back and regret that I wasted so much time at a place that has made me so unhappy?

Maybe this decision is so hard because there are no easy answers, no clear direction. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid to just take a leap of faith—doing what’s best for me and choosing not to worry about the consequences.