Thoughts on “The question”

It’s the question that plagues every newlywed couple. The first time we heard it was at the Salt Lake Temple—we’d been married for all of 15 minutes.

“When are you two going to have kids?”

“Two years, you guys.”

Before Ryan and I were married, we discussed having kids, and it felt right to wait at least two years before adding another person to the mix. Well, at this point there’s just June, July, and August looming between me and that two-year deadline. And we all know how fast the summers pass by. It’s unreal. The closer it gets, the more I find myself thinking about it—names we like, the clothes we’ll buy, how we’ll rearrange the house, etc. But what looms largest in my mind is how completely our lives will change.

It’s both exciting and terrifying.

Don’t get me wrong—I love kids. I adore my calling in Primary, and I have so much fun with my nieces. My friends’ kids are some of my favorite people on the planet. I can see how having kids has enriched the lives of both family and friends.

And yet…

Having a baby encompasses so many huge lifestyle changes. The current plan is for me to be a stay-at-home mom, a goal Ryan and I believe in strongly and are willing to sacrifice to attain. However, this change will represent a seismic shift in how we have to budget, in what we can do for entertainment, and in the pace at which we live our lives. For me, going from a 9-to-5 life to a 24/7 life seems particularly daunting. Especially when it requires me to do something I’ve never really done (mom-stuff) with someone I hardly know (the baby).

And then there’s what the kids do when they stop being babies—recently family and family friends have been dealing with kids who are sneaking friends over and doing significant drunken damage to the house or stealing from grandma to pay for drug habits. What?! I mean, even with all the good teaching and good examples, these kids still get to choose who they want to be and what they want to do. Am I ready to sign up for this? I know, I know… I realize that there’s a literal lifetime between now and when I’ll have to worry about those things. Does that mean I don’t worry about it? Of course not—you all know me and my distinguished worrying capabilities. Thinking about everything that could go wrong means I’ll be ready when something does. Right? Of course right. I have to be prepared in my worrying and the future ahead of us holds some real “meat and potatoes” living.

But I think that’s exactly what’s compelling me forward. Despite all the future frustrations, craziness, and disappointments (which I know are inevitable), the future seems to hold the promise of so many tiny joys—first laughs, funny sayings, and quiet moments. Somehow, when I hold on to that promise, the excitement of the future helps to calm my many, many nerves. These changes are what we want and they will be a good thing. And so somehow we’ll be able to both adapt and thrive.

But still, for the moment I’m glad that everything is still at least few months away. My time with Ryan has been the happiest part of my life, and I relish in the fact that I get to keep this status quo for a little longer.