How to talk to pregnant women

So this is me a little over a week ago.

At the moment, I’m feeling pretty good about myself. As far as physical measurements go, so far I’m about as textbook as it gets—30 centimeters at 30 weeks, healthy weight gain, etc. Things are pretty good. (I mean, don’t get me wrong, seeing Pregnant Jenn in the mirror is still a huge adjustment for me. I am blown away by the size of my belly every. single. time. I miss my waist. And my belly button.) But still, all in all, I’m pretty happy with how I look.

Really, the only time I’m particularly self-conscious is when I’m at work.

While the women in my office have all been incredibly excited and supportive, the men…well, they mean well. I’m not sure what it is about this pregnancy, but it really brings out some really awkward comments. There’s no rhyme or reason to the perpetrators—young or old, with kids or without, it doesn’t matter. I know they have good intentions, so most of these comments have struck me as really funny. However, I’m also 100% positive that if their wives overheard some of their comments, these men would get a swift punch in the arm.

Therefore, I present a quick tutorial in how to talk to a pregnant woman:

Rule #1: No matter how tempting it may seem, DO NOT place excessive emphasis on the size of a pregnant woman’s belly. Consider the following variations:

• The basic: “Jenn! You’re huge!”
• The observation: “That is one big belly.”
• The multiples: “Woah, how many are in there? Two? Three?”
• The time warp: “So next week’s the due date, right?”
• The pointer: While fully extending his arm, pointing at my belly from across the office and saying loudly, “Wow!!! Huge!!”
• The gawker: “I’m sorry, Jenn, but I cannot stop staring at your stomach. It’s enormous.”
• The creative: “Jenn! We match!” while enthusiastically patting his own (rather large) beer belly.
• The awkward: “For a while there I couldn’t tell if you were pregnant or if you’d just let yourself go. Now it looks like congratulations are in order.”

» Tip: When discussing physical appearance with a pregnant woman, say things that are similar to what you’d say to a non-pregnant woman. If in doubt, “You look great!” is always a good one to fall back on.

Rule #2: If you inquire regarding the baby’s name, DO NOT under any circumstances say anything negative about any of the names the pregnant woman mentions—even if she plans on naming her baby Rastus Mortimer Minkus the Third. Comments like the following are strongly discouraged:

• “Oh….” <Awkward silence> ”You know what name I really like? ___________.”
• “Really?” <Nose wrinkles> “What you really should name your baby is ___________.”
• “Boo!!!” <Enthusiastic double thumbs down>

» Tip: If you’re not sure how to respond to the chosen name, “That sounds great with your last name!” is a great place to start. If humor’s more your style, you’re pretty much always safe teasing that she should consider your own name.

Rule #3: Please DO NOT draw excess attention to how much a pregnant woman eats. (Believe me, eating takes on a whole new level of importance when pregnant.) Avoid saying things like the following:

• “Wow, Jenn! Eating again?”
• “You know, everytime I see you Jenn, you’re eating something new!”
• “What’s on the buffet for today?”

» Tip: As in Rule 1, if you shouldn’t say it to a non-pregnant woman, you probably shouldn’t say it to a pregnant woman. If you feel absolutely compelled to make an eating-related comment, stick with the simple observation, “That looks tasty.” If you’re lucky, she may share with you.

I’m sure there’s about a zillion other rules, but these are the ones I know from real experience. (And, yes, every single example in this post is pulled from actual comments I’ve received. For reals.)

Also? Today marks exactly two months left until the due date. It’s a little daunting.