Irrational

Sometime over the last few weeks, I’ve made the mental jump from random-belly-inhabitant to holy-smokes-this-is-a-real-baby. And, in doing this, I think I’ve lost my mind a little bit.

I’m not really sure how this happened. It could be that he’s getting much more interactive—I can actually tell his back from his elbows at this point—and his movements are stronger and seem much more deliberate—I swear that sometime he kicks me just to get my attention and get a back (head? tummy?) rub. It could be that I’ve finally had enough time to (mostly) get past the fear and start getting really excited to have a baby of my own. Or it could be meeting the Herget’s little boy and getting a tangible example of how cute and new and tiny our little boy will be. Probably it’s all of the above.

All I know for sure is that I have fallen head-over-heels in love with this kid.

Which is kind of crazy when I step back and think about it. I mean, I don’t even know this kid, other than the guesses I make about his personality based on the timing and frequency of his movements. He’s a total unknown to me, yet I’m still convinced he’s completely adorable.

I’m always saying to Ryan, “Look how cute our baby is,” and making him look at the random contortions of my belly. I’m not sure what exactly is “cute” about these contortions, but I am 100% sure that the baby is being adorable while making them. I’ve never even laid eyes on this kid to verify that there’s anything cute about him, but at this point he could probably come out looking like a mountain troll and he would probably be the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Furthermore, I find myself being fiercely protective of this kid. For the last several months, Ryan has had to be a very patient driver, living with me jumping and gasping at his every left turn because every car on the road is actively trying to attack my baby. I know it’s not rational, but I can’t convince my brain otherwise. Ryan calls it my “mama bear” response and has developed a pretty entertaining (but maybe you have to be there) reenactment of this phenomenon. It’s strangely apt, though, since I think I’m starting to understand why a mama bear would be so dangerous when her cubs were threatened.

And if this is how I feel for a jumble of knees and elbows I haven’t even met yet, I simply cannot imagine what it’ll feel like when I actually get to hold him in my arms.

I can’t wait.