Archives for "Ramblings"
Apparently I’ve been hacked
So recently it has come to my attention that when some of you attempt to access my blog, this is what you see:
I feel like I need to apologize. Apparently my blog’s been giving out medical advice—and it’s not even a medical professional. It probably just has some shady medical degree from some online college or something. The only drug I’ve taken in that excerpt was the prednisone, and let me tell you, that was good stuff. Ryan affectionately refers to it as the “love drug” because when I was on it, I told him I loved him about every three minutes. (And I really meant it every time!) But other than that, I really can’t tell you about its side effects on estrus cycle functional groups. I’m sorry I led you on.
Anyway, point is, we’re working on getting things cleaned up so you can read all of my brilliant thoughts without being distracted by my medical fraud. (In this case, “we” is mostly Kartchner. But sometimes me. ‘Cause I’m a helper!)
What’s my favorite season? Football season.
So the long-awaited day is finally here and let me tell you, it was like Christmas morning at the McDaniel household. Ryan has been counting down for the past 100-something days. This morning, when the alarm went off, Ryan’s head popped right off the pillow—and he was literally bouncing for joy—Guess what, it’s GAME DAY! And with that, he jumped out of bed and into the shower.
This is one of my favorite seasons, too, and it’s definitely the time I miss school the most. Football games were some of my favorite parts of college, and the sound of the band and crowd in the distance will always take me back.
So in just a few more hours, I’ll be singing Hey Baby! and cheering with the other football fans. I simply can’t wait.
Leap of Faith
So sometimes I have trouble making decisions. (I know—all three of you who read this website are truly shocked at this statement.) I’m not always bad at it. Sometimes I do quite well. For instance, I decided I wanted to marry Ryan after about 4 months of dating and followed through on this decision 5 months after that.
See? A big, life-changing decision and I did just fine with it. I thought about it, figured out what I wanted, prayed about it, felt great about it, dealt with my nerves, and followed through. Two points for classic decision-making strategies.
So why doesn’t this strategy work with my job? It’s pretty much an ongoing problem—I’ve been hating my job on and off (mostly on) for two years now. I think about it all the time, but I have yet to think of a satisfying resolution. Ideally, I’d hear of an opening at an awesome company, ace the interviews, and dance my way into happy employment. However, this is 2009 and unemployment is hovering around 10%. I have a healthy amount of job security, earn a comfortable salary, and have a fantastic boss who is generally supportive of the things I do. Wouldn’t I be crazy to leave that?
Except for the fact that I cry at work several times a month.
In my family, whether or not you like your job is a moot point—you do what needs to be done to earn a living. Ryan, on the other hand, says he’d prefer me happy and working at Barnes & Noble to me coming home grumpy and teary several times a week. However, working at Barnes & Noble wouldn’t do much to advance my career. (Somehow, being a cashier or story-reader—something a 16-year-old without a college degree could do—doesn’t seem like a good career option.) But then again, since the tentative plan is to start a family in a year or two, do I really need to be focusing on what would be best for my career? Shouldn’t I, instead, be doing what’s best for me?
But at this point, what would be best for me? Right now, my salary is allowing us to pay off our cars, build up our savings, and have a little left over for a modest summer vacation. Will I regret, if I leave, giving up the opportunity to create a more secure financial future? Or will I look back and regret that I wasted so much time at a place that has made me so unhappy?
Maybe this decision is so hard because there are no easy answers, no clear direction. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid to just take a leap of faith—doing what’s best for me and choosing not to worry about the consequences.
Ryan in the wilderness—day 3
Ryan left for the wilderness on Thursday afternoon. This is my account of my adventures without him.
8:45 - Last night I dreamed that I got a text message from Ryan telling me that he loved me and missed me. When I woke up this morning, I had, in fact, received a text during the night—but it was from my mom in D.C. I guess my brain took the beep from the text and told itself what it wanted to hear. Hey, if this is crazy, I like it.
10:00 – Still can’t decide what to eat for breakfast. Why is it that without Ryan I’m nutrimentally challenged?
10:30 – Ryan’s mom called to check up on me. Which reminds me: I’ve got to go Father’s Day shopping and to Costco this morning to pick up provisions for tomorrow. In fact, I’ve got a ton of errands to run. Which I’m not going to run until after I get this editing done. Which I’m having a hard time focusing on. (Who’s surprised here?)
1:15 – Actually finished all of my edits, which I enjoyed this time. Now the debate: Do I shower and get ready now or do I go SHOPPING! again and shower after that? Oh the difficult choices I have to consider without Ryan filling our schedule with silly things like cleaning and yardwork!
1:45 – Decided to shower and used up approximately 95% of our hot water supply. Decadent. Snuck a few sniffs of Ryan’s body wash, but it didn’t smell nearly as nice in the bottle as it does on him.
2:30 – Leave for more SHOPPING!
2:32 – Return to get necessary addresses.
5:00 – Finished up with SHOPPING! It wasn’t as satisfying of a trip as I would have liked. Still nothing for the walls in that room. But I’ve got more ideas and more fake flowers for the house so I can pretend it gets natural light. Also, went to the Costco in Draper—people were crawling all over that place. Like ants. Little Mormon-mom-haired ants. Decided I did not want to go home to an empty house, so I called Nick and informed him I was coming to visit.
6:30 – Baked muffins for Nick and me. Since mom and dad are out of town, he’s been staying up really late. So it was breakfast for him, dinner for me. I left when he informed me he had to go get ready for the day. Um, don’t you mean evening?
7:30 – Trying to decide: do I go to the gym or do I take care of some things around the house? Right now I’m mostly sleepy and have some awesome chick flicks to watch.
7:56 – HOLY SMOKES! RYAN CAME HOME EARLY!!!! BEST EVENING SURPRISE EVER!
Ryan in the wilderness—day 2
Ryan left for the wilderness yesterday afternoon. This is my account of my adventures without him.
8:07 – Woke up late. Well…actually I woke up right on time but decided to snooze once. Therein was my downfall. Ryan is the alarm manager of the family, and apparently I lack the necessary training in snooze operation. Scrambled to get ready by dumping gallons of baby powder in my hair. Mmm, fresh as a daisy.
11:25 – Made the mistake of listening to Armageddon at work today. OHMYGOSH, the tears. My tears had tears.
3:00 – Find myself still sending Ryan text messages, even though I know there’s no way he’ll get them until he gets out of the canyon. Still, it’s comforting to talk to him like he’s right here with me. And there’s always that long-shot hope that he’ll climb up to the top of a mountain and have cell phone service and maybe, just maybe, turn his phone on and write to me. And, yes, this hope has caused me to be no more than an arm’s length away from my phone all day.
5:01 – Still at work, tweaking the Flash project of frustration, which is actually going rather well today. This is clearly not a normal Friday—it doesn’t feel like a weekend, since I’ll be all alone. Apparently it’s not a weekend without Ryan. And apparently being at work doing something with a purpose was better than being all alone and wandering. (Who knew?) Despite all this, however, I still found myself counting down how long until Ryan would normally be coming home. Oh, brain, what cruel tricks you play on me.
6:00 – Arrived home. Went to the fridge to find something for dinner. Ended up eating brownies. And wandering. Oh, the wandering!
7:00 – Again tried to think of something for dinner. Again found myself eating brownies. Decided I needed to get out of the house. Time for SHOPPING! (which is really just organized wandering).
8:45 – Returned from SHOPPING! Laid out all of my purchases and admired them for 10 minutes. Although, I couldn’t admire my curtains properly because there was no husband to hold them up for me. Forced to use my imagination.
9:45 – Exercised my willpower and did not eat brownies. Still couldn’t find anything. Ended up eating the same dinner I had last night—except even easier than yesterday because I didn’t have to exude competence in the kitchen. I am so proficient with a microwave.
11:45 – Again, with the puttering and the absentmindedness, it took me over an hour to get to bed. And again, without Ryan here as an independent heat source, I am still not ready for sleep. Even though it’s June, I think I have no choice but to turn on the electric blanket tonight. Rearranged the throw pillows in a Ryan-like form—I’m hoping that if I cuddle up with my back to them and use my imagination again, I’ll be able to get to sleep before 2am. At least there haven’t been any evil bug sightings tonight. That works in favor of a decent bedtime at least.
Ryan in the wilderness—day 1
Ryan left for the wilderness this afternoon. This is my account of my adventures without him.
5:00 – Ryan came home from work and we spent the next little bit getting everything ready to send him off. Everything was extra tender. It’s funny, but the things I’ll miss the very most are my daily luxuries—feeling his hand sliding into mine and getting to breathe him in when he hugs me. I got teary when we talked about saying goodbye. I know he’s not dying, but this will be the longest I’ve gone without talking to him in over two years.
5:40 – Took Ryan to Herget’s house to meet up with the backpacking crew. It was nice to be able to see him off and hear a little about their non-existant plans. (Since Four Lakes Basin was covered in three feet of snow, the boys had to make some last-minute adjustments to their plans. And by “adjustments” I mean “make new plans entirely.”) The boys all seemed to have some pretty good gear, plus, Brent had his gun and Herget had his scary-ass knife so I felt a little less worried about Ryan getting eaten by a bear. And Brent promised not to shoot Ryan, so my husband is as safe as I can make him. I loaded him up and kissed him goodbye. I did not cry one tear. Because I am amazingly tough.
6:00 – Came home and wandered aimlessly. If I were older, doctors would have assumed I belonged in an Alzheimer’s ward.
6:30 – Megan came over (yay), so I had to stop wandering. Probably that was a good thing.
11:00 – Megan went home. That’s right, I played until 11 o’clock on a work night. I’m that cool. We made dinner, chatted, and pretended to edit, but really we just feasted on brownies and Mr. Darcy. Fantastic evening.
11:05 – Returned to wandering aimlessly. Puttered. Also, I saw a huge creepy bug, but no one was around to kill it and I didn’t dare get close to it. This is going to be a major problem, especially when it creates an army of creepy baby bugs and they mount a full-scale attack on me in my sleep.
12:00 – Turned down the bed and found a little note Ryan had written me on a half-sheet of notebook paper. Remembered how much I miss him. Tried to console myself by taking up the entire bed. Mmm, leg room and a million pillows.
1:00 - Since there was no one to put my cold feet on, I couldn’t fall asleep. Because everyone knows it’s impossible to fall asleep with cold feet. Used the laptop to warm up the bed next to me. Will now proceed to cuddle up to the warmth. I’m so tricky!
Update: As soon as I turned off the light to go to sleep, I WAS ATTACKED BY THE HUGE CREEPY BUG. It flew and hit me in the head and then went straight for my ear. I reacted as any sane person would do—throwing pillows and doing enough flailing to knock the laptop off of the bed. The laptop lived. The bug was not so lucky. I am happy to report my pillow throwing abilities annihilated the offending bug. Of course, the ensuing adrenaline rush made it basically impossible for me to get to sleep until 2:00 am. But I still beat the bug.
You may say I’m a dreamer
Sadly, though, not dreamer in the John Lennon sense of the word. (Though that’s admirable and maybe even preferable.) Nope, I just tend to have vivid dreams on a fairly regular basis. However, when I’m really stressed or when I’m facing major changes, my dreams become my constant companions and even start making demands on my waking hours as well.
For instance, when I was fuming mad at work, I was having multiple involuntary daydreams per day. When the guy who took my old desk asked me for my designs and background documents, I’d see myself going downstairs and dumping the still-boxed contents of my old desk at his feet—papers flying everywhere. I’d then go upstairs to collect my things and, for good measure, send some more papers flying. Then (and this is the most joyful part), I’d finally tell that lady from accounting what I really think of her loudly forcing her opinions on everyone in earshot. (Hint: Not good things.) I’d walk out the door, my head held high, into the loving arms of new employment.
Then I’d snap out of it and find myself still at my job…sitting at my desk…making labels. The clarity of the daydreams only made my reality more pathetic and gray.
Eventually, though, my anger dissolved, and I progressed along the other stages of grief. My daydreams became less frequent and more voluntary. Now I’m down to a single work-related daydream. It’s short and simple. As I’m walking back to my desk, labels in hand, I crouch down and crawl in the small space near my filing cabinets. I stay there, in relative peace, until the workday ends.
Look at the serenity acceptance has given me.
What I’d like to put on my resume
So I’ve got a big career-related meeting coming up tomorrow and, as a result, I”ve been thinking a lot about my resume. And how even though it’s been polished until it’s shiny, it doesn’t really come through and say everything like I’d want it to say.
Objective: To find a job that I totally rock at. Where I can use my brain and make projects that are awesome and that I can really be proud of. Where I get to have some say in what I do. Also, a job where I can respect, have fun, and laugh with my coworkers. Also, to find something that doesn’t entirely overtake my life–I don’t mind overtime, but I’d like it to be the exception rather than the rule.
Skills:
- Word: Native. Period. (You try using it as your main design platform for three years and see what you learn!)
- Photoshop: Completely fluent, though I still speak with an accent.
- Dreamweaver: With enough study and preparation, I can say pretty much whatever I want.
- InDesign: College-level skills, enough to impress those who don’t know any better
- Illustrator: Can hold a basic conversation and imitate fairly convincingly
- Flash: I know enough to find a bathroom and correctly pronounce menu items
- Other skills: Corny as it may sound, I am willing to learn anything that anyone wants to teach me. I really do like learning new stuff and pick things up pretty quickly. I’m also pretty good at tinkering with a program until I figure out how to make it do what I want it to do. Also I’m usually nice and happy at work.
Experience:
- Current job: This job has been really good to me, on the whole. It was a great entry-level position–they’ve been very flexible with me and have allowed me to learn a lot on the job. I think the most frustrating part about it is that my role was never really well defined. Lately, I think that I’ve reached a limit of where I can progress–there’s more that I can do there, but the company as a whole isn’t yet ready to make those advances.
- Current freelance editing job: I love, love, love this job. I love editing, love words, love the variety, love the hours, love the people I work with. I’m not sure I could do it full-time, though. I’ve realized I really enjoy the design component of my current job and I think I’d really miss it if I went full-time. Also, I think I’d really miss interacting with people.
- College editing job: This job was fantastic. It had all of the perks mentioned above (since it was for the same place) and it allowed me to combine my editing skills with a layout perspective as I got to design journals, magazines, books, etc. This is the closest I’ve come to an ideal job.
Hobbies: Reading, football, following politics in a non-contentious manner.
References: If you want a real breakdown of what I’m like–complete with positives, negatives, insecurities, and nerosis–you should talk to my husband. Or my friends.
After a long hiatus…
It was never intentional to take this long of a break. It just sort of happened. I didn’t really notice it until a friend of mine mentioned he still missed my blog. And I’m thinking, “Oh yeah, I used to write a blog instead of just reading other people‘s.” And then I’m thinking, “Miss my blog? Why?” And I got curious. So I logged on.
It’s funny how time changes things. Going back and reading everything…it made me smile. Time had mostly erased the self-consciousness I’d had about what I’d written. Then, I went through and read the dozens of half-written blog posts that I didn’t consider quite good enough for publication. In retrospect, they seem kind of sweet.
And there’s a part of me that can’t shake the idea that maybe this is representative of how I handle my entire life…intensely critical of myself in the moment and much more forgiving thereafter.
I’m suppressing the urge to apologize for this. I’m sure in a month I’ll be just fine with that.
Frustrated with BYU Football?
(Full disclosure: So I’m a BYU alum and have technically never played a drinking game. Nor do I seriously condone them. But did you see BYU vs. Tulsa game tonight?!! Drinking away the shame seems like a perfectly reasonable response.)
So, without any further ado, I present to you the BYU Football Drinking Game. If you’re a BYU student, you can try using milk. Doubtless it’ll prove harder than the gallon challenge, and it’ll give you another explanation for that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.
1 Shot:
- When a ref comes onto the field and says, “False start. Number 74 on the offense. Five yard penalty. Repeat [??] down.”
- BYU’s offense going three-and-out.
- Crappy punts. (Seriously, what is his deal?)
2 Shots:
- Anything along the lines of: “After review, the ruling on the field stands.”
- BYU’s quarterback getting sacked for a loss of yards.
- Missed PATs.
3 Shots:
- Any time a ref throws a flag and says: “Personal Foul. Number [??] on the offense. Fifteen yard penalty. Repeat [??] down.”
- Any time a receiver lets a perfectly catchable ball bounce of his hands. (Add an extra shot if that ball bounces off his hands and is caught by a player on the opposing team.)
- Most fumbles or interceptions (see exceptions below).
Drain the bottle:
- BYU’s QB throws an interception…inside the opponent’s twenty yard line.
- BYU’s quarterback fumbles the football…inside the opponent’s twenty yard line.
- Momentum-draining, game-sacrificing penalties in the fourth quarter.
